FIre Within

Fire Within

  • Above original 3D GIF created in Cinema 4D by Thoth
  • I feel so disturbed and I don’t have any idea what to do about it. Could be tiredness. Both of us are wasted beyond measure. Three huge shows, a formidable week, and an even more formidable weekend to cap it. We could barely go to sleep – if I could call it that. Rolling. Turning. Mind replaying everything!
  • My mind is playing tricks on me. I feel like I let people down in so many ways. I don’t know where my critical mind has eructated from. I feel so uncomfortable. I hate it!
  • Did we perform well this weekend? Yes. Did we have a great time? Yes. Did we increase our wealth? Yes. So why the long face and horrified perspective. I feel as if I got hit by a bus. I feel let down in some way. I feel . . . bad! No explanation.
  • I slept terribly too. Maybe that is the problem. Tiredness. Maybe dehydration. Perhaps I’ll take a long bath? Long! I am loving drinking hot water.
  • As I am up longer, the feeling is evaporating, but . . . damn!
  • Honestly, I feel as if someone dosed me a speed drug. And now I’m getting over the hangover. Is that possible? I am so uncomfortable in mind and body.
  • We killed it last night in El Sobrante and the night before in Fort Bragg and the night before in San Francisco . . . Do we not do that? God, I love performing! Yet I still have this horrified feeling. It hovers around my brain like swirling fog.
  • Last night: Did I say strange things? Did I embarrass myself? Us? What is going on?
  • I guess I need rest?

2 thoughts on “Fire Within

  1. Bill

    You feel uncomfortable after you two killed in the three biggies? Why do you feel bad? I’m only guessing now, as I have done for most of my pathetic life, but I think it’s that God energy that boils and twists in you like a python caught in a Mason jar. The python knows it’s ready to chew through the lid but hasn’t figured out exactly how . . . yet, yet, yet, yet, yet.

    The energy is moving down the birth canal after all these years.

    1. thoth Post author

      I promised to use the gift of my voice for expressing love. Sometimes – at weaker moments – when I’m tired, I wonder if I used my voice as honorably as possible in dealing with these horrible parents. When I review the shout downs, I remember that I started the whole thing by telling BH that I loved him, and I never spoke of or defended myself from his horrible judgments against me, but stood only for my wife and her sister. Same with the mother. Her puritanical judgment was hurting my wife. I couldn’t allow that.
      I’ve been tired and my mind and emotions undermined by my tiredness.


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