Whenever you disrespect, dismiss, or reject me with a prejudice (and I cannot tell how many of you I have been surrounded with throughout my life – almost everybody), I have an inclination to disabuse you of that prejudice: to explain how special I am, to put on display my intellectual, physical, and creative gifts and talents as proof against your judgment, to change your mind. The list of you who show prejudice against my complex nature is very long: certain of you white, black and asian people for my brownness; certain of you rich people for my poorness; certain of you poor people for my richness; certain of you men and women for my bi-gender nature; certain of you old people for my youngness, certain of you young people for my oldness; . . . Many times you disguise your prejudice behind intelligence or critical acumen or . . .

But I have learned the hard way, in the face of this need to change you, that none of you will change except, if you are lucky, through your own difficult experiences and processes. For this I do have compassion, because this is where I am so precocious and more advanced than most of you. I was forced to go through what you still have yet to do when I was a child. Sometimes I want to hasten this process for you. But this is only my ego and the yearning for the love and respect you deny me. No, best is to continue trying to manifest my self in full beautiful splendor.

One or two of you will return later changed by life and tell me how you felt about me at first. Usually, if you are honest, you will say that I scared you because I seemed like such a freak, such a weirdo.

Although I have internalized your hatred and wished myself dead many times, I have somehow survived and am still alive.

4 thoughts on “Prejudice

  1. Bill

    A-fucking-men, my brother! You and I are a lot more alike than you might imagine. Abandonment and abuse have been major features of my paltry existence, too. The “others” pissing on me as if in a very odd type of porno film, a cheap matinee feature and most likely a David Lynch production, has been an ever-present feature of life for me on this garbage bin of a planet we inhabit.

    I too have wished myself dead, mostly on Wednesdays and also many years ago after my grandmother forced me to go to the Ice-Capades. That’s a quasi-humorous statement I use to cover up the agony of what it has been and to cover up the fact that death often seems like a better option than life.

    What you say in the posting screams the truth: one must get one’s ass kicked in life before one can understand you (and many other things). So many brain-dead, comfortable people out there don’t even have the hope of “getting it” when they see you and Lila prayform. Though they may live nice lives, they are pathetic and simple and cannot hope to understand your contributions to the world. and frankly you waste your energy when you expect them to behave otherwise. Though it would be nice, you cannot make the proverbial silk purse out of a moron’s ear.

    So what’s the lesson here? The lesson is “Fuck ’em” and continue to do what the Tao has compelled you to do.

  2. Marianne Hettinger

    Dear Thoth,
    I just wanted to describe to you what I felt when I first saw you in 1999: I happened upon you at the Angel tunnel in Central Park and was mesmerized. You touched my soul in such a deep way that it was life-changing. It was almost painful to watch because I felt you showed me what potential lies within me that I had not fully expressed yet.
    Without words, with your pure magic and energy you touched me to my core.
    And even though I was just a struggling dancer / actor with no money, I thought I have to make a film about this man and preserve somehow that people who have not seen him we’ll see him.
    The next day I bought a camera for my last money and asked you for permission to film you and paid you $100. I also interviewed you, I got some great footage but it was 1999 and back then it was much more expensive and difficult to make a film and I didn’t know how to complete it.

    Thank God the wonderful Sarah Kernochan had the same idea a few years later and won an Oscar with you as the subject.

    I needed to tell you, because I never saw you as a freak, what a crazy notion, but as a messenger of magic, beauty and love, Who has the ability to inspire and wake people up from their drudgery and enslavement. God bless you and I’ll be forever grateful, my friend.

    1. thoth Post author

      Thank you for your friendship, Marianne. And, thank you for accepting and befriending my wife.
      Much love.


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